Looking back seems that I was so fortunate to have been loved by everybody in my life.I wonder if it is so,why II still have this bitter taste in my mouth,maybe I am the one who can’t distinct love from hatred or maybe the love I was provided with was disguised hatred.
‘ I love you but I want to hurt you’ is one of the loving phrases still echoing in my heart,not even in my mind.I really embraced that phrase.Contains all the alleged love I received in a soul damaging mode.
Speaking of which,I was put on a stand by mode without me noticing:
I love you but I don’t like your attitude.
I love you but I don’t like your outfit
I love you but those shoes……… well
I love you but I don’t feel comfortable with your friends
I love you but……
Pause,rewind and stop pressed.Silence from the speakers.
The significant other inquires really concerned
How on earth could something be wrong!Everything is really rolling in our non relationship.
And all of the sudden,an expected flashback hits the brain cells:
You are late,where were you?
Don’t you know? At work?
How do I know?
What do you mean?
You are seeing someone else,don’t you.
Smiling victoriously at the court when the judge announces the court order but with the heart ripped off.One more failure in the list.
Supposingly moving on.Of course,it is exactly what all human beings should do,the only difference is that I moved on in circles,Just like Ursula Buendia’s famous quote.
*Inner thought* Maybe I could reach a life of one hundred years in absolute solitude.
A shot of Absolute vodka somewhere in the States and the Absolute list is getting longer.
One more failure,who cares,I will yes maybe probably I will get over him,well don’t worry about me,of course I am fine I could’t ever be better,oh please who do you think I am,I know how to face situations *phone chats,meetings with concerned friends a hurt look from my mother.
I told you many times it’s my life!
I think if you were changing your outfit maybe you would be having more luck……
Even if you quit asking the same question.
Okay mom,maybe you should be wearing high heels again when you can hardly walk?
Back on the airplane ,one more failure,at the other side of the ocean plenty of failures,regressing like walking on ice,sliding from day to day and from year to year.
New horizonts wide open in front of me:
Lovely quiet candle lit nights, maybe the quest was worth it.A new found land.
But I do love you.
But I don’t.
But I love you with all my heart.
Thanks but I don’t.
Moving on as all human beings are supposed to.Mayor’s office on a dull Sunday morning,nothing really important.One happy month. The second one , one more failure.
I really don’t know.
How can you possibly not know!
I am really sorry I mean I really am sorry.
You aren’t sorry at all.But why her?
I honestly don’t know.I wouldn’t lie to you.
*Sorry,but you lied already*
Moving on as I should do this time.
I love you.
But I do,I can’t explain it.
I can’t either.
The unexplained remains unexplained and one more failure .Moving on as only I should do to maintain my clarity and possibly my sanity too.With flashbacks and with no final decisions,not cutting bridges with the failures the contrary,keeping them all so alive I could even touch their hand.Trapped in a dead end with an obvious exit and me faking a smile.
Dark days arrived ,they asked to stay for a couple of days and they stayed for a couple of years.
I don’t know what’s wrong with me!
I will always be here.
I don’t know what’s wrong with me.
I am sorry for what happened in the past.
Anyone of you two has a tissue or something? Please?
Both handed me just a band aid .For once in my life I had something to hold on to,a band aid. But none was there as loud as I called their names.Confusing my days with mixed signals sent from the core meeting my own ones half way creating a wonderful colorful blizzard pouring stars on us.
I want us back together.
Too late,sorry.I don’t like your attitude and your shoes.
Rewinding but never moving on.I am fine,thanks for asking.